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Training Log Archive: KirstenM.

In the 7 days ending Feb 13:


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Monday Feb 8 #

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Idk if anyone has any advice, I just wanted to get my thoughts down, feel free to ignore.

I wanted to say that even though I'm not really logging, I have been training, just not enough for it to really even count. I'm stuck in such a mental rut and I don't know how to get out. I have never been this unmotivated in my whole life.

And it's not that I don't want to orienteer. I do, I love it. It's just that I love orienteering and I don't particularly like running for the sake of running. And with Covid, it's been nearly a year since I've had competitions or actual events to look forward to. There have been a few things here and there, but nothing solid. And I could go out and train by myself, and I have, but I struggle even doing that since it's just me alone in a forest training for nothing in particular, only some vague plans which have already been shut down before. So in my mind, it feels like I'm trying to convince myself to do something I hate simply because once it allowed me to do something I love. I know that logically I should run and get in shape for JWOC and future meets but I can't seem to jump the disconnect in my brain. For all intents and purposes, I have been in the same routine of sitting at home and working for months now and I don't know how to convince myself that this weird floating state won't last forever.

It's also compounded by the fact that I got into Dartmouth, a goal I chose for myself in elementary school. I don't know what to do now. I know I'm not alone in this by any means, but I'm drifting regardless. In a normal year, I would focus on completing high school and enjoying it before I moved on in June. Now it feels like high school has already ended and I'm just doing menial work which barely matters until college starts. But that's months away, so in the meantime, I feel like I'm just floating along, and trying to stay above water until my life starts again. Logic tells me that this is a good opportunity to better myself and try things that I wouldn't have had the time to do otherwise, but I can't seem to muster up the motivation. And I don't know how to get it back. Even as of last year, if I didn't run and skipped out on training for some reason, I would feel terrible about it and push myself harder the next day. Now I don't feel anything because I can't seem to convince myself that it matters. And when I do run, I often find myself trapped in my mind, thinking about existential questions to the point that I forget that I'm supposed to be working out.

I don't think that my current mental state is who I am as a person, or at least it hasn't been for the majority of my life, but I'm at a loss for how to go back. I complete everything that is required each day, but somehow running and training have fallen off that list and show no inkling of coming back.

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