Training Log Archive: mjulius

15x2

Still haven't arrived at access but the jarring nature of the distractions has softened considerably. It feels slippery when, after counting for several breaths I just slide right out of my focus. Internal distractions and content don't as often yank me away.

15x2

15x2

15x2

Getting better but still all over the place. Like I've been given the yoke of an airplane in turbulence. I'm all over the place but basically on a forward path. Mind still slips into content before I know it and reminded that I can maintain a count without an awareness. It becomes clear that I'm on autopilot when I can't recall the previous counts. I know where I am in the sequence but realize that I have no presence in the previous count. Like absent minded driving. So I bring it back to one, slow it down and get everything under control.

Unfortunately, once I am on track I am immediately aware of my general forward direction, feeling ok, can almost 'see' the access concentration then as soon as I reflect on that I'm off again. Still, its practice and its getting somewhere.

15x2

Backing up a little in my efforts. After some reading, I think that I am pushing too fast too quickly. Simple counting breath exercises for now. This notion of 'noting' is too unfocused. I don't think that I have a foundation yet of staying with the breath and so doing anything more than just gently bringing me back to that is too much, too soon.

Listened today to a podcast with Alan Wallace on achieving 'Shamatha' [concentration states]. The mind being always in various states of ADHD and that calming it is like quieting an anxious horse. It's just gentle persistence and non-judgement.

Much better progress in counting and focus on the small space between my nose and lips, really feeling the air moving in an out and bringing my attention back to the slow 1-10 count on exhalations.

I am nearing the basic access concentration. Feeling myself almost touching it but the content of my mind is so much slippier the closer I get. The content just carries me away and I am lost in a idea or a visualization, a random expression of my mind. Short daydreams. Hard to describe because I have never made myself aware of them. Just bring it back to the space and restart the count. Again and again and again.

Frustrating. Attempting to work through 'noting' practice but my tendency to towards lost in thought. It's conditioned and a habit. Something that I have felt was a good thing but which, has, in my life been a detriment. The content of thoughts easily carry me away with the result that I startle often. I have relished it [save the startling which happens at least once a day and is unpleasant] and now I am paying for that in this meditative practice.

The idea is to note the distracting thoughts but I consistently find myself on waves of distractions, carried out by them for seconds before I realize it and then I note then on another wave and note that and so forth. It's REALLY hard to stay focused. I feel like someone outside a gate pushing like crazy at the entrance. The frustrations thwart the efforts and I am just me, struggling with my closed eyes, conscious of my back and posture, distracted at stiffness in my neck and flittering ways in plans and daydreams.

I haven't even achieved the basic 'access concentration'.